Today I want to share with you 8 ways to help a friend who has had a miscarriage.
It saddens me that 1 in every 4 women will experience a miscarriage, yet as a society, we still don’t know what to say or do when our loved ones experience one.
Yet, I can understand why.
Because for many women, this experience is deeply private and they experience a deep amount of sorrow that they don’t really want to share with anyone. And so this secret sorority continues.
I was always a fairly open book about my fertility journey, but, when I discovered that my pregnancy wasn’t valid, I was a mess, and this was one moment in my life, when I didn’t want people to give me their advice or try to ‘fix’ me. I remained quiet about my experience for sometime, and only really began to share it publicly after Chloe (my rainbow baby) was born.
I don’t know why I decided to share, but I am proud of myself that I have shared my full journey now, openly, because I feel that there needs to be warriors out there helping others to feel less alone on their own individual journeys to having a child.
So, here are my 8 tips on how to help a friend who has had a miscarriage:
- Do understand that everyone deals with miscarriage differently and there is no right or wrong. Some people are deeply affected. And as with any loss, there is no set grieving time. However they are feeling in this moment is valid.
- Do make food. It always makes people feel better, and is a wonderful way to let someone know you care without using words. Don’t ask, just bring.
- Do send a card, and/or a gift. Socks, some nice pjs, some flower essences, a wheat pack – are all lovely gestures.
- Don’t try to tell them what they should/could try or try to diagnose what could be wrong… Even if you think you know. They are no doubt being told by everyone else.
- Don’t leave them out, but understand if they distance themselves for a while. Keep inviting them to catch up. When they’re ready, they will.
- Do say things like “I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I’m here for you and anytime you need to chat, please pick up the phone” (but make sure YOU actually pick up the phone if they don’t!) or “I know it is so hard. How you are feeling is completely valid. I’m thinking of you”
- Do listen. Sometimes they just need to download and have someone nod and give them a hug.
- Do let them know if you’ve experienced a miscarriage before. Sometimes the words “me too” can be the most comforting.
If you, yourself have experienced a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss.
Please know that this is not the end of your story and that you have so much to share with the world, despite experiencing a burden no woman should have to bear.
I promise that brighter days are in your future.