On today’s podcast, I’m sharing one of the questions I was recently asked within my program, the Fertility Warrior Intensive – and that was about feeling scared to get your hopes up, and also struggling with the concept of being positive all the time.
Here was what I wrote in our private group for my 12 week Mind Body Fertility course:
Question: I’m trying to be positive. I’ve noticed for me, being positive just feels like I’m getting my hopes up. I can’t differentiate between the two. I struggle with being positive and not getting my hopes up at the same time!
My Reply: I think that we should absolutely balance our lives by recognising what we are grateful for and all of our blessings in life alongside the struggles we are currently experiencing.
And one of our modules talks about how to feel more positive without needing to try so hard.
But…. Trying to be positive all the time, is HARD WORK, and not always appropriate. Sometimes deep down we really do feel angry, or sad, or hopeless. And it’s important that, as unwanted and uncomfortable as they are, we feel, allow and process those emotions.
Because if we don’t, they literally just grow under the surface – they last longer, they’re more intense… and we can only sweep them under the rug for so long until literally, we explode.
So, do you need to be positive all the time? Nope.
Are sad days ok? Heck yes.
How do we get through the sad days? by giving ourselves grace, putting ourselves first (and yes, sometimes that means chucking a sickie, sometimes that means unfollowing pregnant friends online, sometimes that means treating yourself to a massage, sometimes that looks like having honest and frank conversations with people). But mostly, just allowing the emotions and waiting for them to pass. You can sit and explore those emotions through journalling or our worksheets but also, if you allow them, for the most part, they’ll pass without doing anything. Within the intensive, you are literally learning about your brain and gaining perspective and self-awareness that you know not to take everything as fact.
Trust that everything you need, you already have.
So now that just feels like I’m getting my hopes up all the time?
Please do. I implore you to always get your hopes up.
“But then I’ll crash and burn if things don’t pan out”
Yes, you will. You’re 100% right.
But you’ll crash and burn if things don’t pan out anyway.
You’ll have just started from a lower place.
The difference is that you’ll have spent the entire month or two weeks convincing yourself it wouldn’t work. Sitting in overwhelm, sadness, panic and hopelessness, without having the facts.
You’ve counted your chickens before they hatched.
So when your brain tells you > this won’t work
Just gently ask yourself > but what if it does?
When your brain asks you > Who are you to have a baby and defy these odds?
Reply back > but who am I not to?
I know you’ve been burnt before.
I know that your heart hurts so badly when things aren’t happening.
But it will hurt (appropriately) when the time comes.
Don’t panic until it’s time to panic.
Don’t feel sad until it’s time to feel sad.
And the difference is that until that time comes, you’ll feel great.
You’ll have more space to allow a baby into your life, make the best decisions to move you in the right direction and you’ll be more open to surrendering to the path.
So, my take is
Being positive all the time? Not necessary. Not natural. Overrated.
Getting your hopes up? I’d get my hopes up every day of the week, and then IF the time comes for things to suck, then they’re allowed to suck.