How do you know when you’re ready to give up trying for a baby?
I’ve woken up this morning feeling incredibly anxious. Like I could burst into tears at any moment.
I know why.
It’s because the last time I did an IVF cycle with an egg retrieval, things turned to shit. Big time.
You see, not only did I feel the worst I’ve ever felt in my life because I developed a moderate case of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome), but I also fell pregnant, only to be told at about 6 ½ weeks that the pregnancy was unviable and because my progesterone levels were so high, I wouldn’t miscarry naturally for weeks, so I should undergo a medical miscarriage.
I think the thing that best sums it up, is that I feel I could deal with two blows, but not three. And I had three.
I can deal with IVF – in fact, if you count the tracking cycle with timed intercourse, I coasted through five fertility treatments before moving to this cycle. I’ve since had another unsuccessful FET cycle, which I handled pretty well too.
I could deal with OHSS. It was horrible (I’ll do a post about it later). I’d cry every night, but I knew I could get through it.
But, I couldn’t handle the miscarriage. At least, not with these other things too. It’s too much for someone to bear.
I thought that if, once I used the eggs in the freezer, things didn’t work out, then I’d quit or at least take a break for a year.
I’ve invested years into this and while I’ve grown immensely and discovered that I’m tougher than I think I am, I’m sick of having my life on hold. I’m sick of always being conscious of what I’m eating or drinking or how much exercise I’m doing. I’m sick of always being conscious of when I’m ovulating, and knowing that knowing doesn’t help me get pregnant. I’m sick of my body being a science experiment and my emotions being a punching bag.
But, I really do want to have a baby.
I’m anxious because my period is due to start today or tomorrow and I’m all too aware that history could repeat itself.
Because I’ve decided to go through it all again. And again. And again if that is what it takes.
When it came to the crunch I realised that despite what I’ve been through, I really would move heaven and earth to have a baby.
Fingers crossed I don’t have to. 🙂
Wish me luck…
Update: Little did I know that this plunge and this decision to keep moving forward was part of a series of HUGE changes happening around me. When I’d had the miscarriage, I felt like I was at ROCK BOTTOM and that I didn’t know how I’d get out of the hole I’d found myself in. It wasn’t one thing that I did, it was an interconnected series of things, such as making a conscious effort to show gratitude for what I had, taking the time for self care when I needed it, and controlling how I felt about my journey.
If you’re currently reading this, I’m guessing that you’re feeling pretty low right now. Infertility has a nasty habit of doing that, and I’m sorry that you’re going through this. It truly sucks to be on this journey.
But, I want to leave you with a few pieces of advice:
- When you’re done, I guarantee you’ll know it, so if you’re reading this you’re not done. You’re just struggling with how to cope.
- Infertility is STRESSFUL, and perhaps you’ve just been left battered and bruised by the experience. I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve also come out the other side. I’m running a FREE online workshop all about stress this week – The Truth About How Stress Affects Your Fertility – join me to not only discover what the research ACTUALLY says, but strategies to get better at managing stress. It’s a don’t-miss event and I’ll have heaps of free bonuses in there for people who make it live! Seriously… don’t miss this.
- Find community. And I don’t mean just any community. I mean people who understand and get it. I have a facebook group called the Fertility Warriors Support + Chat Group being part of this group will change your life. I promise!
- You’ll come out of this journey more proud of yourself than you’ve ever been – as well as stronger, braver and better at reaching your goals.