Today on the podcast we’re talking about how to honor your miscarried baby.
If you haven’t checked out my episode on loss and recurrent loss, with Malinda, please make sure you do, as it was awesome. Also, check out my podcast on surviving miscarriage. I’ve had such positive feedback about it.
I remember my miscarriage like it was yesterday. It was truly the moment that broke me (but also the moment that made me – sometimes you need the breakdown to have the breakthrough). And it can be so hard when we’re so emotionally invested in this and our baby is SO wanted, and especially serve as a kick in the teeth if we’ve had fertility struggles.
Before we start, the first thing I want to let you know is that you do you, boo.
There is no set way to grieve or feel following a loss. There is no magic ‘time along’ that you should be in order to feel a particular way, and there is no set timeline for grieving.
So despite how people tell you to feel.
Despite all the comments people may make dismissing your feelings
Despite how your friend who experienced a loss felt
However you are feeling is valid and ok, but know that many people won’t say the right thing.
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SAVE THIS POST 📌 Sometimes when loved ones experience heartache the words don’t seem to flow, or we bumble through. I know that I have, even though I’ve experienced that loss first hand. Here’s a guide for what to say and what not to say when a loved one has experienced a miscarriage. I have personally experienced many of these, from both sides, but all with loving intention. What is the kindest thing someone has said to you? What has been the hardest thing? . . . . . . #infertility #pcos #ttc #ivf #ttcsisters #pcosfighter #infertilitysucks #ttccommunity #infertilityawareness #ivfjourney #fertility #ivfsisters #pcosawareness #ttcjourney #ttcsupport #iui #miscarriagesupport #ttcsisters #ttctribe #infertilitycommunity #1in4 #1in8 #fuckinfertility #infertilitywarrior #miscarriage #ivfwarrior #fertilitywarrior #ivfaustralia #miscarriageawareness #miscarriagesurvivor
6 Ways to honor your miscarried baby
Sometimes when we name our baby, it gives meaning and significance to their lives. It helps us recognise who they were and honors them as one of our own. Regardless of whether they experienced life Earthside or not, they were yours and they were loved.
Plant a tree in their honor
There’s a funny thing about grief – and that’s that it comes in waves. For such a long time you might be ok, but then you might reach a place when your walls come crumbling down, and you might want a moment to get some fresh air, to see something growing (and honor that timeline) and to just be with them.
Get a crystal
This was a particularly powerful thing that I did when I had my loss. I got a crystal (rose quartz) and I use this technique for lots of situations in my life, but a crystal can sit in my bra or my pocket – it’s discrete, but it also sits with me for as long as I need it and when I feel like I want to remember or send love their way, I can clutch onto it.
Set an anniversary and do something special each year
Whether it’s leaving a light on in the porch, lighting a candle for the day, or going out for a nice dinner, there can be something lovely about a yearly ritual. You don’t have to make it known either, you can keep it to yourself, but I firmly believe that our love is endless. And this can be a lovely way to honor your baby and show them that you love and care for them.
Conduct a full moon ritual
So full moon rituals are typically for letting go. You can see my podcast on how to do a full moon ritual, and you can vary this in any way you want (seriously – there is no 100% right or wrong way if you ask me), but you might be thinking right now that you don’t want to let go of your baby. I hear you! But your baby would want you to let go of:
- Holding onto them so tightly that you can’t experience happiness ever again
- Any guilt you have around their loss – it was not your fault.
- Wondering what you could have done differently
And you can during the full moon (or wait until the new moon) to invite in grace, abundant love, their beautiful spirit and strength and happiness.
I also want to let you know right now that you can have different parts to you that exist at the same time. You can have different emotions at the same time. So it is possible to experience grief and sadness at the same time as hope and happiness.
Write them a letter
No doubt you have many things you wanted to say to your baby, and many emotions that you’re struggling to express. Sometimes when we’re in deep grief, no matter how hard we try, the thoughts and feelings just don’t come out when we try to talk about them. In times like these, or pre-frontal cortex is sometimes not working in the way that we’d like and we’re stuck in the limbic system of our brains (our emotional centre). When this happens, it’s possible that the area responsible for forming coherent speech shuts down, our Broca’s area. But, we can often formulate thoughts on paper. So, write them a letter and keep it somewhere safe.
If you have experienced a loss, know that I am sending you so much love. I hope you can find some peace, and again, know that however you feel, or wish to honor your baby, is valid and ok.
And please reach out to me on Instagram if you ever need some love.